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Nowadays, almost every day we hear some sad stories about domestic violence happening everywhere and unfortunately a high percentage of them end up fatally.
For instance, yesterday one of my friends posted a picture of a beautiful young lady on her Facebook page with the caption; RIP. Later on I noticed there where more and more pictures of the same lady all over the social networks. Turned out that her husband for ten years had beaten her to death. Sad! I know from experience that this is a very sensitive subject and a lot of people don't like to talk about it either by fear of opening an old wound or just being in the middle of it. 
Photo credit: www.shaw.af.mil(U.S. Air Force photo illustration by Airman 1st Class Ashley L. Gardner/ Released)
It's a worldwide issue and has always been since the beginning of mankind. Whether you identify as a man, women, gay, straight or any other name group that you wish to identify as. Anywhere there is intimate relationship or simply relationship under the same roof there can be Domestic Violence.
According to the National Statistics Domestic Violence Fact Sheet, 1-4 women and 1 in 7 men or 24.36% woman and 13.8 men have been victim of (Severe) physical Violence by an intimate partner. As you have noticed I put the word Severe in brackets because I wanted to draw your attention to the fact that the numbers are way higher than reported due many who never get a chance to report the abuse they suffer, that slap that hair pulling or even worse. So many of us have suffered in silence for so long that it seems like Domestic Violence is the new norm.
One of the biggest mistakes a lot of us usually make is to think that Domestic Violence starts with the first time an intimate partner puts his hand on the other partner. Well as a Domestic Violence survivor I can tell you that such typical mindset is totally wrong. You don't just wake up one day and it just happens. Domestic Violence actually occurs over a period of time and it's intentional whether you're willing to accept it or not. Often times it may look like an obsessive love, possessiveness and or simple signs of jealousy.
The abuser already knows your weaknesses from the minute he started to court you, you just didn't know or did not pay attention. Whether it's emotional, financial or physical he is aware. Just like a hunter who watches his prey, he knows. He usually shows up as the help, the kindhearted one, that good Samaritan who's always ready to be there for you in order to gain your trust, because he knows that if he doesn't gain your trust he cannot hurt you. 
Personally, it started with the fact that my husband could not accept that I could do certain things by myself, his fear was that I would become independent one day. One evening as we had an argument, I remember him telling me; "you are nothing, you don't have a name, no rights, no money, nothing, I'm actually the one who's trying to help you become somebody". I could not believe my ears but unfortunately, he meant every word he said.
A caring husband is one thing but someone who's trying to make you dependent of him in order to make you vulnerable is a complete other thing. He will tell you how useless you are as often as he can and yet, if you come home one minute later than expected it's like the whole house was about to crash had you not shown up. Domestic Violence is also that fear he instills in you that makes you scared of expressing your feelings, scared when you hear that key turning in the door lock, that fear when your phone rings and your heart skips a beat, that fear of having everything you say used against you or taken out of context. The abuser's goal is to make you feel guilty of things that you haven't even thought of doing. Things like accusing us of having an affair with that imaginary man or woman is one of their favorite tactics to destabilize you. · Disrespect · Belittling · False accusation · Failure to provide for you and your children · Verbal abuse · Rape · Shaming to name a few... 
Actually, in many cases hitting or other physical damages are the last thing your abuser will do, because he knows that people will think of him as a bad person, while he is trying to make everyone think that he is the perfect partner.
Unfortunately, many countries don't have any support system in place when it comes Domestic Violence victims in fact ,some cultures actually condone it, it's a sign of virility and masculinity. However you must always remember an abusive relationship can only get worse. Some of us women believe that having a child with or marrying and abusive partner can change their behavior or make them better. Well I'm sorry to put it to your face but, you are entirely wrong, things can only get worse. Your best bet, or should I say your only bet is to get out and get out as fast as possible.
For those of us who've been there, we know getting out is not as easy as it sounds, Therefore, knowing the steps to take can make the process less difficult for you. The followings are a few among the guidelines you can use to help you make it. Always remember that:
Call the Domestic Violence Hotline 1-800 799 7233 The National Domestic Violence Hotline Resources: https://www.thehotline.org/resources/victims-and-survivors/
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AuthorFrannie Clarke Archives
February 2019
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